I Am From the Country

I am from the country. It wasn’t until I went to college and, for the first time, no one knew the small town where I came from, that I realized that a lot of people don’t really know what that means. When I say I am from the country, I don’t mean from a suburb, or even a suburb of a suburb where houses have bigger front and side lawns. I mean Im from a place that the houses aren’t at an equal distance from the road, there aren’t little square plots for each house and nothing is manicured.

My town doesn’t have a sidewalk. I remember when I was really little, mom would take us down the road to the old school so we could play on the playground. It was there that I learned how to ride my bike and rollerskate on the only pavement in town that wasn’t a road. The school wasn’t in use anymore so the long driveway and humble parking lot was perfect for kids wobbling on new wheels. On our walk there, we learned to walk in the dirt/stones along the road. There wasn’t a side walk until we got close to the school. I would always ask to cross the street so I could walk on the sidewalk. This sidewalk was probably four squares long and started from the road but ended in grass. It was a half of a sidewalk that didn’t go anywhere really… but it was so cool because hey… it was a sidewalk.

I grew up outside. When I didn’t have my nose buried in a book, I was living in trees, under trees (in forts built by the low branches), in creeks and in the woods. I was constantly up to something. There are two huge pine trees in our front yard, and the low lying branches interweaved to make the perfect fort. Outsiders couldn’t see in, and the people inside couldn’t see out. I brewed all sorts of things in that fort. Stews, mud pies and little mud cakes were my specialties. I read Little House of the Prairie front to back at least 15 times, so I was convinced that I could make a dye and color my clothes. My mom graciously supplied old white socks (that weren’t very white at that point) so I could soak them in big white buckets full of berries and flower pollen. Let’s just say that the off white socks usually just turned a nasty brown. No matter how long I let them soak, when I would haul my socks down to the creek to rinse them all, all of the “dye” floated away… leaving me with a stretched out, brown sock that smells funny.

When my friends came over to play, we spent hours in the fort. Kirsten was so much fun because out of all of my friends she loved being outside as much as I did, read the same books as I did and most importantly… was good at climbing trees. She always climbed higher than I did. Always. I had hammered a board across some branches up in the pine tree facing the road. We would sit on the little platform, swinging our legs and “spying” on the neighbors. We made elaborate meals out of leaves, mud, flowers, and berries. We would find big flat stones in the creek to make plates. When we actually decided to have an edible meal, we would steal from the garden. We poached green beans, cherry tomatoes, and lettuce. All warm from basking in the sun. Carrots were the best. They are a million times better than the store bought kind, and always tasted better when the dirt was scrubbed off of them in creek, instead of the sink instead. We would feast on our veggies, sitting on our homemade Sit-Upons, with the spoils of our garden raid spread across an overturned crate. The floor was always swept with pine branches to make a clean, hard dirt floor and there was always a cup with wild flowers in the middle of our “table”. Life was simpler then in-between those two big pine trees.

Weekends were for hikes outback. When I was little, I loved them! As I got older, they were more tedious. Exploring, finding thing and digging everywhere. Look at me and my little bucket… who knows what I was gathering:

We used to have picnics out back too. We would load up the tractor and head back to the swing and eat lunch. I still love picnics and am at a loss when people claim not to like to like dining outdoors. I guess it is hot in Texas… so I will give them that!

 

Life in the country wasn’t all play. My parents were hard-core country folk, which meant we worked too. Not hard labor, like growing up on the farm, but a lot of path clearing, garden planting, apple picking, berry picking and wood hauling work. See how early I was put to work? This is May 1991… I had just turned 2.

 

I haven’t had to help get wood in for years. We have a really cool wood burning soapstone stove in the living room. It is amazing to have a fireplace in the winter!! Well this stove needs wood to do its job. It’s a chore to get wood in. If you haven’t ever cut down a tree and hauled wood out through the brush, you have no idea what it entails. Yesterday and today I have hauled wood. Yesterday was two trees, today was an easy 1. Yesterday the trees were far back into the brush, so not only was I carrying logs 20 or so yards to the cart, I was walking through brush; over logs, and under branches. The first tree was in a wild rose bush. Those things are evil. I was bleeding by the time we were done getting that tree out. I had fallen on my butt, got my hair stuck in the wild rose bush, and squished two slugs by the time I had lugged everything out. (yes all me. Dad was driving the tractor) I was covered from head to toe in mud (mom said it was dry out there) and my black shirt was tan from sawdust. This is what I was walking through to get to the tree:

 

The second tree was heavy wood. Heavy wood and farther away from the path. I couldn’t see the roots and uneven ground under my feet, so I stumbled through the brush, groaning from the weight of the wood. The thing is… I got to move each piece of wood 3-4 times.

·         Get the piece out of the brush and in a pile to load into cart (the path was muddy so dad took small loads out of the brush more often than usual, while I dug all of the logs out of the weeds)

·         Get piece into cart

·         Get piece out of cart (we couldn’t go across the creek with it in the cart)

·         Put piece back in cart to get it to the barn

·         Get piece out of cart and stacked in barn

By the time I was done yesterday I was covered in mud and sawdust. I had almost been run over by the cart, (it was slipping backward into the creek from the weight of the wood… so I grabbed onto the front and pulled. Dad got the thing in drive and the entire machine jumped forward while I dived out of the way. Then he couldn’t get up the hill so I had to push the stupid thing), was bleeding from thorns and my fingers hurt from grasping the wood. Today I just smashed my pinky toe, dropped the board that we use to get the tractor across the creek on my big toe, and fell into the creek. I don’t know why Crossfit exists when one can just go outside and move wood around for free! Here is the product of our labor:

 

More stories to come…

 

This photo was from yesterday. Its my favorite... my dad's headband and his pants really makes the photo.

Dismaland, -$285 and Guns

I really want to go to Dismaland. If you haven’t heard of it, you need to do some googling! It is an art installation in Britain by Banksy… who I LOVE. He is an anonymous graffiti artist with a sometimes dark humor, strong political statements and great satire. I also am a fan because of this:

 

Dismaland is a poke at Disneyland but it’s more than that. Damien Hirst even is one of the artists, along with dozens of others. I love art that makes a statement. I am not a fan of modern of contemporary art. Argh. Seriously… I don’t know how painting two colored squares next to each other makes a statement. But, a fan of Damien and Banksy because they use contemporary art to make statements on society. I love that moment that you are staring at something incoherent and then all of a sudden, everything is illuminated. You are literally floored when you understand the point of what is going. I still remember a moment, when I was abroad in Rome and we were all staring at this piece of abstract nonsense. But then… Professor Mathews said something and all of the sudden it was like a ton of bricks hitting me smack in the face. I suddenly got it. That is what art is supposed to do.

So… you know the last post? The one that I floated around on a raft in a pool, reflecting on a life well lived? Well…. I have red hair. And it is August. In Texas. In case you haven’t connected the dots, my stomach and chest are tomato red…. And a hideous contrast to the blinding white skin next door. 

I am the only person on my facebook that didn’t get married, pop out offspring, or go back to school. Not that I am complaining!!! Not at all! I forgot to feed Watson twice last week… so I do NOT need offspring! Just a tad crazy how many new humans exist, and weddings happened last weekend!

I LOVE getting mail. Seriously love it. Especially in the day of email, messaging and texting. I love stationary, and cute envelopes and… getting mail that doenst require me to pay someone money. With that being said… I got some mail on Monday. Woo. Addressed to me and everything! I open it and… it’s a bill from the Med Clinic. That rabbit cost me $285. That is WITH good insurance. SO I lost my dignity, blood, and $285 while gaining a bright red stripe on my leg. All thanks to a rabbit.

I made ravioli last night. ARGH. My people make beer, sausages and do good things with green cabbage, not make handmade pasta. (Ok if you know me, you know that the other half of my people pickle fish and makes pannaukkau… and let’s just say if it ends with the sound “ca ca”, it doesn’t taste good. Or have a taste at all for that matter) Anyways… I made ravioli and my arms are sore right now. It was SO much work. They taste good! I couldn’t get the pasta “paper thin” by hand (Next time I am making them, Im not doing it without a pasta roller)so they were a tad gummy. But overall, a success. Just not worth the effort. Or the pile of dishes.

 

I am in LOVE with Darling magazine. I feel like “magazine” isn’t the right word. “Journal” or “Publication” maybe is better. It so different from all of the dumb magazines out there like "How to Get Him to Like You" and "15 Ways to Have Perfect Beach Hair". I am only halfway through and I am hooked. The one article was so on point… It was about how in college, one is judged on potential and upon graduation you are judged upon your job and what you “do”. I hate the “what do you do” question… because no matter what you answer it seems like you are being somewhat judged. “Once you’ve given the appropriate answer, comparison follows. Your response-this “doing” that you claim- is mentally held up to be observed from each angle, to see if it’s in line with the expectations of your age, degree, social standing, and relationship status”  I feel like that is such a true statement. That isn't the only reason that I hate that question, but it sure is part of it. The other part is that I know that I am not living up to my potential. Grrr :) The article was all about how what you "do" isn't a complete reflection of who you are. I liked it!

 

I am not a big fan of the "fighting" sports. Never have been. As of yesterday, however, I am a big fan of a certain fighter... Justin Wren. Check out his story:

http://www.mmafighting.com/2015/8/27/9213895/justin-wren-has-returned-from-the-congo-but-his-fight-for-the-pygmies

I stumbled across this yesterday and thought it was funny. Basically agree to all of them:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/faces-every-book-lover-will-recognize?utm_term=.mgnNQn36Vz#.shbbZplD0

Another shooting this week. Something needs to be done about the gun problem that we have in this country. While I don’t have an answer, I am lost as to why there hasn’t been a serious discussion about them. Yes the NRA is crazy and unfortunately has a ton of power, but that doesn’t mean that politicians shouldn’t be having a serious conversation. I know that gun bans won’t work. I know what Prohibition did to organized crime and the fact that people still got alcohol (and in fact unsafe, unregulated alcohol that caused more problems). When books get banned, it seems to circulate even more. Banning guns isn’t the answer, but we are the only 1^st world country with this problem. Look at the stats.

http://www.humanosphere.org/science/2014/03/visualizing-gun-deaths-comparing-the-u-s-to-rest-of-the-world/

Detroit’s gun homicide rate is almost equal to El SALADOR. Altanta is higher than SOUTH AFRICA. Buffalo is higher than PANAMA’s. Even Austin TX beats out CAMBODIA.

Why is that? Why is our gun culture so incredibly crazy? I remember talking with a Brit when I was abroad and he just looked at me and said “I just don’t get the American obsession with guns”. I don’t either. Yes, people hunt with them and shoot them for a hobby. But WHY do civilian need high powered, automatic weapons. If you tell me “protection” Im going to scream.

See… living in Texas has opened my eyes to a very scary thing. People who believe that the government is out to get them and take them over. Everyone would “lose their freedom” and guns are required so when they are bunkered down in their homes, defending their family from a government takeover, they can resist. I am not kidding.

I understand that people like guns. It’s a hobby for them. I understand that people hunt with them. I understand that people kill people, not guns. I get all of those points. Something has to change though. Instead of screaming that the government is taking away everyone’s personal freedom at the first mention of guns, we all need to be having a serious talk about a solution. Our country having the highest rate of gun homicides was NOT the founding father’s intention. Our constitution was drafted in 1787. 228 years ago… when only white men could vote, African Americans were viewed as 3/4^th a person and slavery was legal. There have been 27 amendments to our constitution, so I don’t even buy the “its in the constitution so it’s our God Given Right to bear arms”. Two points on that… men wrote the Constitution and honestly… even the freedom of speech has its limits. Long story short… there is not a good excuse to talk about a solution to our gun problem. I don’t have the answers to what it is, but not doing anything certainly isn’t helping.

On a completely separate note… I am so excited for Christmas. Can. Not. Wait.

One Last Reflection

I had topics for this post today, but like last Saturday this post has had a subject change! The old topics to come! Below some reflections on a life well lived:

I was dreading today…. Missing Laurie’s service. Feeling guilty about not flying home.

That being said… I am forever grateful to Danielle and Google Hangout. Danielle was awesome and let me watch Laurie’s service today from her phone. I was already set for my own quiet reflection when Danielle was awesome enough to suggest it, so I spent an hour and a half floating in the pool on my raft with a diet coke, staring at a bright blue sky, and listening to great stories about Laurie. I was reminded of things that I had forgotten, and learned many new things about her. I am so grateful that I got to hear those stories, and sing along to the White Christmas singalong. (I made sure I was on mute!) When the service was over and the phone was turned off, I choked down my last few sips of diet coke and floated in silence… and realized a few things.

I have been so caught up in me not being where I want to be lately. For the last three years actually! I am realized… the job, money, items… that’s not what it is about. I am not nearly as smart as Laurie was, or as witty, but I have two degrees from decent institutions that I am not using… and I am very frustrated about that. But floating there I realized, that’s not what education is about. No I may not be using my art degree on a daily basis, but that doesn’t mean that my degree hasn’t made me better. My four years at HWS shaped me, my thinking, my ideals, and my views. Just because I am not appraising art, doesn’t mean the time earning it was useless.  

The remarks and stories about Laurie made me realize that it isn’t about the job, the cars, money, lifestyle that you have that marks success. It’s about how you live your life. Laurie lived it enormously well. Her success is the number of people she impacted, how being in her presence made you better, made you laugh, and she always taught you something…. Whether it was something about life, something academic, or something about yourself. She made me realize that it’s about looking on the bright side when something goes wrong, finding laughter in everyday things, and following the beat of your own drum. I remember her storming into the office after the worst dinner out with people that she had ever had. She starts to angrily vent, and by the end we are crying from laughing so hard. Or the time she spent all night trying to figure out what to do when Welch’s was leaking grape waste into a river. That started the never ending purple sludge jokes. She turned everything into something good.

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style” –Maya Angleou

I have always loved that quote. It was my New Year’s Resolution this year, and I as read it I now think of Laurie. She lived life just like that. Her style was unique, fun, crazy and hilarious. Her humor, sometimes corny which made it all the better. Her compassion, huge. I think mischievous should be added into that. She had a mischievous smile and twinkle in her eye right before she cracked a really good (or corny) joke.

I said before that I was grateful to know her, and that she impacted my life, but I didn’t realize how much until I was floating in that pool today. Yes, she gave me the kick to go to London (after asking me why the hell I wasn’t going and me not being able to articulate an answer I wasn’t completely embarrassed about). Yes, she told me I needed to get out of CHQ for bigger and better things in Texas (and then chuckled, saying that everything is bigger in Texas you know). But it is more than that.

So yes, I don’t like my job. Laurie didn’t either. But I can’t let that define everything. I can’t be so caught up in not liking my job and trying to figure out where I am going that I lose my mojo. (already lost… attempting to find it)

So Laurie, thank you. Thank you for giving me huge shoes to fill and an example on how to live one’s life. A much needed reminder on what is really important in life. You will be so missed, but always remembered in everyday little things. Next time something goes terribly wrong, I promise to laugh, not scream. No words to describe how grateful I am to have known you. No words to describe how much you impacted me. No words to describe how much I will miss you. Until next time.

Old Man #2, Old Emails and Old Times

I need to put you all out of your suspense… I apparently didn’t mention that my planner did in fact arrive Wednesday. I had an enjoyable evening filling it all out with bright color pens J The planner is pretty epic… and I don’t say that lightly. I am EXTREMELY picky when it comes to planners. I have a list of qualities that need to be checked off. The most important…. Monthly views. It’s the only keep my life together. I tried the google calendar on my phone and HATE it. I need good ole fashioned pen and paper. Kinda like books… I would MUCH rather read a book than read it on a kindle. Anyways… isn’t it cute???

I am so good at making friends with old men. Yeah… that sounds weird, creepy and somewhat gold-diggerish. But it’s true. Remember old man who liked my mis-matching outfit? Well, I have made another acquaintance. Lately, everyday when I go to get the mail, I have been running into an old man. We had just smiled, and said hello while I patiently waited for him to get his mail with his snail like movements. Well I roll up the other day, (yes, Lucy and I roll) and follow the same routine. Kick off my shoes, tiptoe to the mail, and say hello. This time it was a little different…

Old Man #2- “Les Mis”

Me- “Im sorry?”

Old Man #2- “the Epliogue of Les Mis. You were just listening to it”

Me- “You heard that?!??!”

Old Man #2- “You had it so loud I think your windows were rattling! Even old people like me can hear it then!”

Me- (thinking Oh Crap…) “Oh Im sorry! I didn’t realize it was that loud”

Old Man #2- “Don’t worry! I like that song.”

And with that he smiles, shuffles (yes he really does shuffle) back to his car. I really need to watch how loud my tunes are, and what songs I am blaring. Yes… I blast Les Mis and sing along to the “Do you hear the people sing, singing the song of angry men” part at the top of my lungs. You won’t meet anyone cooler than me J

I am restless. You know that feeling in in February when you have been cooped up inside for 3-4 very long, dark, cold months?!?! That’s me… except it is bright, blindly sunny, and HOT. I LOVE being outside, but its torture unless you are out before 7am, or after 8pm. I am running in the dark now, just so I don’t catch on fire. I have been bunkering down indoors, watching way too much Netflix. I cannot wait for Oct/Nov/Dec.

I did something dumb today. I searched my gmail inbox for Laurie at work… and read our email strings. It was dumb because I couldn’t stop laughing, and my row is creepy quiet today. I was trying to be quiet, which made it worse. (kinda like when you try to suppress a sneeze… and it comes out as a MUCH more awkward sound than a normal sneeze would have been) There were so many things that I had forgotten. Her spider solitaire prowess, love for Chiptole, and her slogans to get us through the day (especially towards the end of my time there. We had codes and everything) I am going to miss the emails, even the ones that just said “Let's talk sometime...you know how bad I am at typing!!.” Sorry Laurie, but you sure were!!

My favorite one (that was the cause of my incredibly awkward laughing) was this picture:

And the words “Saw this and thought of you! Not that you need one… but take comfort that if you ever do, you can build one!” That was Laurie for you…

I have playing the piano lately. Nothing special. I don’t play well anymore… and in order to not want to overturn the instrument in frustration, I play my old NYSSMA (New York State School Music Association) audition piece. Goodness that was an awful experience. NYSSMA. I had to them for Mr. Knight. You didn’t take lessons and not do a NYSSMA. There was literally no choice. He was an amazing teacher, so I rocked my Level 6 songs every year on my horn. I would always have Dr. Guy as a judge it would seem. (nicest guy) The sight reading was always a little rough (nerves), but always nailed my audition. (the downside of this was that I would have to spend an entire day at All-County at Chautauqua. Argh I hated it. I know I was supposed to love it, but I didn’t. Abhor would be more accurate. And we played the Battle Hymn of the Republic EVERY STINKING YEAR. Pretty sure they still do it. Is there really no other finale options?)

The piano was a completely different matter. I wont ever forget that piano audition. I played for fun and didn’t put much work into practicing. I did practice my NYSSMA song, but I was a little more nervous than usual for the piano audition. For the French Horn, I was always in a classroom. A nice, non-intimating environment. That was what I was expecting, so I was shocked when I walked into the school auditorium, complete with a spotlight. I think I did well on the song, and tanked the scales (Hate piano scales), but I remember the judge being evil and walking out of the door with the look of complete disgust on my face. Probably scared the next kid that was up. The good thing about the experience… well not much. Can someone tell me the benefits of that torture? Seriously… the prize was to go to CHQ. What did I gain from that besides high blood pressure and an upset stomach?  Honestly… just that I can play this one song really, really well. Can’t find any other positive qualities. Just something else to torture over-achieving high school students….

This is intimating:

While I am loving the love… 95 views over 24 hours? (my time zone on my Blogger account is still on UK time from my London blog) I get that I posted twice in the 24 hours so that could be 47.5 people, that is still a lot of people.

So I guess for the first time, I am "endorsing" something. But I think it’s really cool so… Amazon Smile. Have you heard of it? If not go here:

https://smile.amazon.com/about

If you buy things from Amazon, you need to stop and start buying things from Amazon Smile! It is still Amazon… with the same prices and everything… but… a proceed of your purchase goes to a charity of your choice that is on Amazon Smile! Yes it is little amount, but…. It’s something! You are paying the same price either way, so you might as well send something to a charity! I chose to support Six Baer Essentials and you can choose whatever charity that is registered. There are tons to choose from so go check it out!

I have been so reflexive lately. I think a death does that, but my 3 year anniversary of being in the USA has too. I re-read my last post from London (http://www.london-christies.blogspot.com/2012/08/last-from-london.html) to see what I said that I would do… and it was somewhat of a shock. Some of the post was right on (I did hear a lot about “common courtesy” when I was living at home). I thought I was back to being more like the “London me” since moving down here… but I was pretty wrong. I no longer do things alone, Im not as outgoing as I was, and Im not as gun-ho (is that how that is spelled?) as I was. I used to think I could do anything… and somewhere along the way I lost that. I think sitting at CHQ, filling out endless applications for jobs, took more of a toll on me than I thought. It was so depressing. Laurie would give me a quota that I would have to do, and I would groan. Then again, she was tell me to let a call ring through to her so I could finish my cover letter.

I am flying on auto-pilot and no longer taking the time to do things that I like to do.  I think I have lost my mojo, and I don’t know how to get it back

Back To Random Nonsense

There are moments that I feel like my father’s daughter… which isn’t ALL bad ;) We have the same cool thumbs (Mom’s are just weird!), we both don’t dance, we do not talk for hours in grocery stores (mom), we don’t like talking on the phone, and yesterday I added one to the list. I completely pulled a Dad. I was so SO excited for my new planner to come in the mail! It is Kate Spade (which is completely unnecessary) and UPS said it was out on the truck for delivery. Well it was 5 and no planner. I had checked the garbage bin 3 times already (that’s where the packages get left). So what did I do?? I stood in the entry way and stared down the driveway, waiting for the UPS man. Dad uses the dining room window at home… I becoming more and more like my parents. It’s not good!

Going along with that becoming your parents theme…. No one wants to go grocery shopping with me thanks to mom. I am OCD about how the groceries are put on the belt. Like extremely. Years of being training by mom has damaged me. If they aren’t my groceries, I have to take a deep breath and let it go. And I have to do dishes in the order that she made us. Silverware first, then plates, then glasses, next are the bowls, and then you can move to the random items. (this is a huge debate in the Rusch Household. Dad says the silverware should be last) I have been damaged. J

I don’t remember the last time I brushed my hair. That is what work from home does to me. Not that I ever did my hair before. If I was feeling crazy… I would straighten it. I am the worst girl. Honestly. I can put my hair in a ponytail, a French braid and a bun when my hair is long enough. Curling my hair doesn’t work, neither does the cute braids that are so vogue. My sister was already good at that. Should have made her teach me. Oh and my nails… always look bad. I paint them…. Sometimes… and then let the paint chip off. One thing that is good about Texas is that it is always hot, so I have to shave year round! ;)

I think this is so good:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/erietimesnews/obituary.aspx?n=laurie-ennis&pid=175540736&

The picture is absolutely perfect. And she has her glittery scarf on. Pretty awesome lady. Her tact was impeccable. Chautauquans are ridiculous, and she always smoothed the craziest things over. (and when I say crazy… I mean wanting a new South Lot spot because a bird was pooping on their car, crazy) The crankiest people left in a better mood. Well… she at least had tact to their face! Sometimes there was a slammed phone after someone called to complain that the plaza cam wasn’t working….again. J She nicely talked to them about it, and the conversation usually turned to how much it had snowed that winter because she drove by the sign everyday on the way to work … I would transfer them to the Colonnade. I need some of that tact. I have a little too much temper sometimes. I blame the red hair!

Today is my 3 year “Back to the USA” anniversary. I read my Timehop today and wow… I was not happy to be flying home. I only remember a few things from that trip:

1.       Cried when the taxi pulled away from my flat

2.       The really nice airport man who let my extra heavy suitcases go

3.       Feeling like I was flying to North Korea after walking under a huge photo of Obama to get to the USA portion of the Ireland airport. Uber creepy

4.       My carryon weighing as much as I did. They were both so incredibly heavy.

It all seems like a lifetime ago. Such a fake smile.

The Ted Baker and the Calvin Klein bags were my carry-ons. And I wore my sweatshirt and carried my laptop in my arms. The things I did….

I am starting to feel stuck again. And restless. This job has just been killing me lately. And walking into this cube farm everyday… a bit of my soul dies. (Dramatic yes, but seriously). Staring at a screen for 8 hours is just… ARGH. I am basically in a customer service role, just behind a computer. I help people with training stuff. And it’s so SO repetitive.

I need to be using my free time better. I need to be reading more. Something mentally stimulating. I feel like my brain has been sleeping for 3 years.

I had this to-do list in June and this is how it is coming along:

·         Train to run the Rock and Roll ½ marathon in Dec.

o   Not where I want to be at… the stitches didn’t help

·         Learn to play the violin (I have been squirreling away $ and prob going to just buy a cheap one)

o   Bought a really cheap one. Cant wait for it to arrive this weekend!

·         Read more, watch TV less

o   Found Frasier on Netflix… so Im failing on this front

·         Eat better

o   Was doing well until this past weekend when I ate my weight in Salt & Vinegar chips & ice cream

·         Work out more (kinda goes with #1)

o   Ehhhhh

·         School…

o   Applied to a teaching certification program at UTSA

o   Yeah decided against that… again. For the 15^th time

·         Look into UT

o   Email the director of the Holocaust Center

o   Didn’t respond

o   Take a tour

o   Work on essay

·         Study for the GRE’s

o   Hasn’t happened

·         Rock the GRE’s

·         Go to Austin

o   Really want to do this!

·         Buy old stuff in Fredericksburg

o   Need money for this one!

·         Go to Dallas and check out the art scene

·         Take an beginner adult ballet class

·         Making a 1-3 year life plan/goals

·         Get my pictures organized and printed- I did this!

·         Try Skeleton

Kinda need to get back on track….And I would like a life reset button please.

Oh and is it Friday yet?

Trying to Get Back On Track

There is a very dire situation right now…. There are TWO colors of Fiestaware that I don’t have. Anyone think I am certifiably crazy? (perhaps we shouldn’t go there). I also discovered HALLOWEEN patterns!! Look!!

https://www.fiestafactorydirect.com/c-228-fiesta-happy-pumpkin.aspx?pid=186

I want the pumpkins, spooky house, and the bat patterns to intermix with my orange, black and white sets! Again…. Not crazy. J

I rocked at making dinner this week. Rocked it. Chicken again… because that’s what the freezer was full of! For the first time in my 26 years, I got to actually use the bread crumbs that the recipe called for!! Mom and sis can’t eat them, so I have been deprived of normal food. Having a hot dog with a bun was the best thing ever and a treat!!! Same with hamburgers! I grew up without buns L The plight of being the normal kid. Anyways… dinner was good. Next week I may go all out and try to make ravioli. I have a cute little ravioli cutter… not sure it will work but I think Im going to try. Be sure to check back for the tale of disaster. J

I got an email today… $1 off of a blizzard at DQ. I just stared at it. I used to forward them to Laurie. The default DQ store on my blizzard rewards account is the one in North East. It was sad to change it to the one here on Thousand Oaks. I printed it out and will have to take a trip to get a blizzard this weekend.

I shoved the half-finished quilt and its scraps under my dresser during one of my outbursts. Out of sight, out of mind. I’ll deal with it later. The cards have found a home under there too. I almost recycled them in anger, but shoved them in the bag along with the quilt instead.

I cant get home for the service. I found one flight that works… into Cleveland on Friday and out on Sunday. Only thing is that it is $300. With Thanksgiving, Christmas and going home already… I don’t really have $300 to go, plus a rental car. Not too happy about it, but nothing I can really do.

I failed at finding a sympathy card that I didn’t absolutely hate…. So I got a nice embossed blank card. The only problem is that I have to fill it with my own words, and I am now four drafts in and still not anywhere close. I want to say “Sorry, I don’t really know you all that much but your mom was awesome. It really really sucks that she died. Miss her tons.” Probably not the greatest sympathy card so… I continue to write drafts.

Everything is getting somewhat better. I still have a heavy heart, a hurting stomach and a sense that something is missing… but hey… Im surviving. If you know me, you know I don’t share my feelings so these last few blog posts have been out of my norm. I think Ill be ok now…. Until Saturday at 1pm my time when I officially am missing her service. Then Ill be ok until I go home. I think It will hit me then… no stopping by the CHQ to have lunch anymore. I think in an odd way this trip will help… and doing my own little Laurie tour/tribute will help me be ok missing her service. Hopefully. I haven’t spiked a diet coke yet, so I call that a win.

I have been rattled these last two weeks… and its kinda given me a push. I feel like I always hear people say that after a death of someone close, but I think its time to stop making decisions with my head. I have always analyzed everything, thought through everything, done the safe/responsible thing. Maybe it’s time to do something g a little more gut oriented… and a little more daring.

I Am Angry

Today I had nothing to do besides run to the grocery store and pick up the house. Nothing to do but to think. Yesterday I was really busy… ice skating with my family, babysitting really well behaved, adorable children and then falling into bed. Yesterday I could ignore everything. Today… today I had time to think. Today I am angry. Very angry with the universe.

I am angry that in June, after I had asked her for her favorite color, rushed out to get fabric to make her a quilt. I carefully cut out all of the squares and started sewing it together. It looked awful, which would be perfect. She would have thought it was hilarious… my fail at sewing. That was part of the smile factor… here is a quilt I made you, sorry it’s so ugly. I am angry that it is sitting on the dining room table, still half finished.

I am angry at the stack of cancer cards that are sitting on my dresser. They range from cancer sucks, to I’m thinking about you, to get well. I am angry that I sent only two over the course of the 2 and a half months.

I am angry that my last card/letter didn’t get to her in time. I spent so long writing it and filling her in on everything that I didn’t send it until last week. It wasn’t even that important. I told her all about the new Lego Big Bang set I got, about my stitches, and how on some days when Watson is being a terror I think she is right about the only good cat is a dead one. The post office person sent it priority… said it would get there on Saturday. I doubt she ever saw it, considering she died Saturday morning.

I am angry that I didn’t go home when Katie/Adam/Dom were in NY. I could have seen her then. She told me that I should come home in the fall and she could see me then. I am angry at my childlike naivety that I just believed she would be there in the fall.

I am angry that she died before I could see her, and too far away from when I am going home to go to the service.

I am angry at sympathy cards. They get to join the club of stupid cards. Stupid generic cards with oceans on the front. I am tired of crying in the card aisle.

I am angry at the NY Times crossword puzzle today. I can’t get very many of them. I just got mad instead.

I am angry that she didn’t get better. She was supposed to you know, and come down and hang out by the pool. That was the plan. Get better and hang out at the pool. I was going to be a stop on the Laurie Ennis Tour. (long story)

I am angry that I assumed she would be fine. A hard fight, but everything would work out. We could hang out in the fall, and laugh/tell stories/catch up. I thought there would be more time. Everything was so fast.

I am angry that she never wanted to be in photos… always insisted that she take them instead of be in them. I have pictures of the crew, but not her.

I am angry that it took me 5 minutes to think when the last time I saw her was. Turns out it was pretty appropriate… Tasty Acres. We had lunch last fall when I was home, chicken fingers and all. They were getting ready to close for the season, so they were out of almost everything. We had to get coleslaw, and we were both bummed about it.

I am angry that I didn’t call her back in June/July. I keep replaying our last phone call over the last few days. We just both cried for an hour. She said that she would call to tell me about her scans. She never did. I didn’t know if I should call… maybe she didn’t want to talk about it. So I would just text random stuff, stupid stuff. I remember after we were sitting on the phone in silence, both just hanging out crying, we decided we should hang up… she apologized for being sick and “unloading all of this on you”. Typical Laurie. She is the one sick, and she was telling me sorry. She said what she always said when we hung up “Anna, keep in touch”. I said ok and that I would see her soon, in the fall.

Lauren is right…. Laurie sure did hate goodbyes. When I left for Texas it was pretty awkward because I hate them too. She made me go outside, (which was good because the office was a bucket of awkard by that point, and really tense) and we stood on the sidewalk, next to a golf cart and both cried. (we were both embarrassed that we were too… neither of us were fans of crying in front of the other person) We didn’t say much, just handed each other cards and insisted on the other person to open it out of each other’s company. Then she said that she had to get something out of her car (which we both knew she didn’t) and we parted ways.

Social media has helped the last few days. Everyone sharing their Laurie stories. And I think everyone has had a diet coke in her memory. I have to remember next time I see her, to tell her how crazy she is. Man that stuff is gross!

I know that she touched a lot of people and that I should be focusing on how awesome of a lady she was… but I’ll have to do that tomorrow. Today, I am just angry.

Tears and Laughter

“…And no words to tell you how much I admire you leaving.”-Laurie Ennis

Whenever I had doubts, I would pull out that card that Laurie had mailed me right when I moved down here and read that last sentence. I pulled it out again this morning to read the entire note, because I lost a one of my favorite people at 1:30am this morning. I am 26 years old and haven’t ever lost anyone close to me, so in that regard I have been very fortunate. It’s the first time that I am experiencing all of the wide range of crazy emotions, shock, sadness, thankfulness, relief and the anger. Its also the first time that I truly understand all of the clichés I have heard over the years. And while I have cried a lot of tears over the course of the day, I have also laughed in remembering all of the good times. I will miss her wit, her stories, her just straight up calling me out, her support/encouragement and most of all her friendship.

Today I am focusing on how incredibly grateful I am that I had her in my life. A crappy summer job allowed me to form a friendship with a great lady. She impacted my life more than I think she knew and next time when I can’t make a life decision, I’ll just remember her looking at me and saying “Really Anna, I think you have already made your mind. Just go do it.” Im not sure that I would be in Texas without her. I am not sure London would have happened either. I was so on the fence about London and one day she just called me out about it. Straight up called me out and…. it helped. It wasn’t the “its your life… your choice” advice that everyone else was giving me. She just flat asked what the hell I was doing not going to Christies. She always gave me that kick out of the door that I needed. I wish she could help me out one more time... I am in need of a kick instead of the advice everyone has been giving me lately.

I drank a Diet Coke today. It was horrible… don’t know how she liked it that much! I barely got the entire bottle down! I ate peanut butter M&Ms too. She always yelled at me for being so polite and asking if she wanted any every time I opened a bag. She always did, and the bag always somehow ended up on her desk while she was yelling that she shouldn’t be eating any candy. That last winter at CHQ, before I left for Texas, was the best time. Phones were slow and Scott, Laurie and I would sit in the office, with way too many academic degrees among us, and kept a witty banter going. There wasn’t ever a dull moment. Even on the bad days, there would be a running joke to get us through anything. Those are the days that I am focusing on today.

(I had a dream about that by the way last night. A vivid dream of us at the office. And I knew this morning when I woke up something was wrong and went straight to my phone. Kinda creepy)

I can’t wait to take a walk around CHQ when I go home and go on the Laurie Ennis tour. Although she won’t be there, the stories that she told will be. Crazy things always happened to her…. Always. And the way she reenacted them always left us with tears in our eyes and sore abs from laughing so hard.

I will always think of her when I see a diet coke, eat/drink Walsh's products (that purple sludge), go to DQ, see Lean Cuisine, white PT Cruiser, whenever I lose my keys, and the wood chipper scene in Fargo, just to name a few. For the past year I have been thinking of her telling me "Anna... why do you want to go to Texas?!? Its hot as hell there... hot as HELL" whenever I get into my car. Im sure that I will continue to do so, however maybe with a few tears a long with my smile for a little bit. And blue and white plates... she glued them to her kitchen wall in CHQ.  It was so cool. She didn't stick the Wedgwood plate that I got her up there though. I think that got a plate holder :)

I am really going to miss those hour long phone calls. We would have to schedule them via email or text because we knew that they would last that long. Someday Laurie and I are going to have a lot of catching up to do. In the meantime I hope there is an endless supply of Diet Coke, blizzards, M&Ms, golden retrievers, basket making supplies and New York Times crossword puzzles for her. Hopefully someone up there has a good sense of humor too… they are sure going to need it.

I know that Laurie would say that her dying doesn’t get me out of 2 promises that I made her, so I still have work to do. The one… “Don’t you dare stay in Texas forever” and the second....well a little more important, and harder to fulfill.

So Laurie, to say I miss you is an understatement.  Thank you for everything.  Just so you know... I still cant finish a crossword puzzle without you. Until next time….

“You know what Anna? I already mastered making a basket on land, now I just need to get the underwater part down. Then I could literally teach Underwater Basketweaving” -Laurie

Wedgwood, Appliances and Not Really Coping Well

“Drink with me… To days gone by. To the life that used to be.”

-Les Miserables

OK so apparently I have hit that point in life…. The point where one is excited about small kitchen appliances. I got a new blender. Yes, I am excited about a blender. Is that sad? I am trying to make smoothies. I even pinned a bunch of recipes one Pinterest. I hate eating when I get up in the morning. I hate breakfast and eating so quickly after rolling out of bed, so I am trying to drink my breakfast. My favorite so far…. Raspberrys/Peaches with Almond Milk and a dash of Vanilla. It’s like ice cream but healthier… and for breakfast. So in. Ill try to get up early enough on office days to make one before I have to leave. The blender also came with a food processor so I am excited to make salsa with veggies and such. Really.. its sad how excited I am. I am going to need mom’s asparagus soup recipe. I LOVE that stuff. Looks like liquid snot, but tastes AMAZING. Mom… expect a phone call. Or maybe just email me? :) The purchase of the blender is a little sad though…. If/when I ever get married I officially only need a vacuum cleaner and a Kitchen Aid mixer. Seriously. I have EIGHTEEN sets of Fiestaware, every kitchen gadget ever, and a coffee maker…. I have everything. I could use some Wedgwood China…. Wedgwood & Bentley Anthemion Blue please.

http://www.wedgwood.com/collections/wedgwood-bentley-anthemion-blue

Or the Renaissance

http://www.wedgwood.com/collections/wedgwood-renaissance-gold

In other random news... I would like a Vespa please. I am currently taking donations J

Ok so I wrote that part up there this weekend, and it is now Monday so there are some updates. I tried the food processor yesterday to make salsa… I am officially in love with a kitchen appliance. I didn’t have to chop anything (well basically. I had to roughly cube the veggies to make them fit into the processor) and it looks like salsa instead of large chunks of veggies that I had to hand chop. Its not that I cant cut veggies… it’s just that I hate doing it. It reminds me of my worst job that I have ever had… Bellinger Hall food prep. The job itself wouldn’t have been bad, if my co-workers would have been slight human and not complete monsters. Anywho…. I love food processors.

                                                                                      Salsa!

I was at Macys this weekend, wandering around trying to find a cute maxi dress or something for the Cruise theme work party that I had. Well I got frustrated pretty quickly and decided to meander to my FAVORITE department…. The dishes. I found the Fiestaware section and drooled over the new Slate color. It is such a great color to use to POP a bright color. I hated it online… love it in real life. I still am not a huge fan of the sage, just because I don’t know what color you put it with. Anyways… after spending a ton of time touching everything in that section and walking away empty handed (please be proud) I headed to the china section…

I love china. It’s so pretty. I was standing in front of the big back wall that displays all of the sets and was deep in thought about the Kate Spade Lenox line (thinking it was everyday china… but who uses china everyday, especially the girl who has 18 sets of Fiestaware shoved under the guest bed in NY) and this guy slides up next to me and says “Would you like to start a registry?”. I start laughing and before I knew what I was saying, I blurt out “Well… if you had Wedgwood maybe we could discuss that”. He just stands there staring at me for a minute and then… very loudly proclaims… “GGGGUUUUURRRRRLLLLLL you got tasssssttttteeeeee.” To which I confidently respond… “I know… just can’t afford it”. We then had an in depth discussion on the Wedgwood patterns. (see above for my 2 favorites) If you don’t really know me, you are missing some key information.

1.       I have a master’s degree in decorative arts and the ceramic lectures were like Christmas

a.       I don’t say that lightly…. I am a huge fan of Christmas and to this day I can’t sleep on Christmas Eve. Pretty sure my sister still has a pretty scary voicemail proving that fact

2.       I love Wedgwood. Jasperware is the best… but their china. Stellar. I went to their factory when I was in England. It was the highlight of my year (that didn’t include the Olympics/Diamond Jubilee) The trip was a little touch and go thanks to the buses… but I made it there and back!

http://www.london-christies.blogspot.com/2012/07/wedgwood.html

3.       It’s my life goal to own some Serves. LIFE GOAL…. So I have pretty high standards. (Yes, I am aware that it is French. It’s a fact I just need to overlook)

4.       A Chippendale china cabinet is the only “brand” that Serves and Wedgwood can sit in so… that’s a problem. (google it if you have no idea what Im talking about)

5.       I have always had champagne taste on a tap water budget.

Anyways… the guy that works at Macys was pretty cool and it was a fun/random conversation. I am getting better at talking to randos apparently. I guess that’s good?

In a recent post, I was talking about how long it has been since I have been home and how this stretch of time is a record. Well… guess who has a flight home for 8/29! I will still break the record, but just barely! I can’t wait to eat my weight in junk food. I am going to be putting siding on a house for a week, so I have decided I can eat wings galore!

So besides a Vespa, I am also taking donation for the house below:

http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/3-W-Terrace-Ave_Lakewood_NY_14750_M48748-40494?source=web

It’s been for sale for ages. It used to be beautiful… until they slapped some brick on the front and ruined it. Anyways I am going to open a pub and name it the Willesden Green. Lunch and Dinner menu only, and very small British fare. Little tin dishes, tea time stuff (excuses to buy china?) Maybe a B&B? Just need a little over a half of a million dollars. Too bad that it is in WNY… where the tourist season is 9wks to coincide with Chautauqua’s season. And there is nothing around there.

Speaking of nothing around… I miss London. San Antonio just isn’t it… it’s not my permanent settling down spot. I miss the ballet. I could go for 10/15 pounds (yes it was in the nosebleed but still!) to the Royal Academy and watch a ballet. I used to wander into free museums on the way home from class to see renowned artists. Argh. I miss that. I miss art and expensive antiques… but at the same time I feel like it is such a frivolous industry. Spending millions on great pieces… of paint smeared on paper. Im still stuck on all that is wrong in the world lately… I think I am cut out to do more… something bigger than a PhD and studying art. We shall see though.

This week has been rough. I need a pause button… a pause to delay the inevitable. A rewind button to go back and soak in the good/fun times. A really really good friend is ill and the news this week just keeps getting worse and worse. Im so far away. So so far away. All helplessness and worrying. So... the girl who doesn’t deal with emotions is...well... running. It helps. Somewhat. A month or so ago, I complained about the greeting cards on the market. Well I have decided that I hate them. Hate them all. I just got so angry, standing in Walmart, looking at all of the stupid bright/cheery “Get Well” cards. I wanted to scream. They were all so stupid. They didn’t say anything remotely close to how I felt. I wanted one that said “This isn’t fair” and “I’m so angry” or “I have no idea what to say… but Im thinking about you.” Instead all of them said something along the lines of “you will be up and about in no time”, or “get well soon!” or all these stupid jokes or over the top sympathy with flowers. Honestly… I stood in the aisle and cried. So… obviously Im not coping that well with things. So I run….

When I was at home for the longest year and a half of my life… I was in charge of dinner at least once a week. I wasn’t too bad.. at least I didn’t kill anyone! Some recipes were way better than others, but that was half of the fun. Well…. I know I have been saying this for a year… but I am trying to not act like a college kid in terms of food. I am trying to actually cook and not just make pasta or… chicken nuggets. Last night I made Charred Lemon Chicken with Capers. This is what it was supposed to look like:

 

It didn’t look that good, but it tasted pretty good! It had wine and butter in the sauce. Can’t go wrong with that. Just missing the heavy cream! It wasn’t as good as the Chicken and Caper recipe, but it was pretty good. Leftovers for tonight.. maybe it will taste even better after the chicken has soaked in all of the sauce J

Random Tidbits:

1.       My hair is almost long enough to put up in my “im stressed” bun. Im very excited. My hair fits in a ponytail now too. #lifeisgood

2.       I wish life lessons were easier to learn, and less painful. I need to keep in better touch with people. Im reeling from the news of my friend. Wishing I had called more often… just didn’t always have time for the hour long calls. Hour long at least. We would pick up from where we left off. I should have made more time. I shouldn’t take having a person in my life for granted.

3.       I think Im going to buy a cheap violin. I want to learn how to play.

4.       I bought a new camera for San Fran and now need to make sure I keep using it. I want to take up photography again. Im not the best, but its something fun to do.

5.       I need to use my free time better. I need to be doing fun things that I enjoy, pursing things, and figuring out my next step. I am falling into a comfortable rut and I can’t stay in it

6.       I still want eyelashes for Lucy… and that Star Wars sunscreen. Lucy needs accessories :)

7.       I think it’s time for a new adventure….

Im still working on San Fran… stay tuned