I Am Angry

Today I had nothing to do besides run to the grocery store and pick up the house. Nothing to do but to think. Yesterday I was really busy… ice skating with my family, babysitting really well behaved, adorable children and then falling into bed. Yesterday I could ignore everything. Today… today I had time to think. Today I am angry. Very angry with the universe.

I am angry that in June, after I had asked her for her favorite color, rushed out to get fabric to make her a quilt. I carefully cut out all of the squares and started sewing it together. It looked awful, which would be perfect. She would have thought it was hilarious… my fail at sewing. That was part of the smile factor… here is a quilt I made you, sorry it’s so ugly. I am angry that it is sitting on the dining room table, still half finished.

I am angry at the stack of cancer cards that are sitting on my dresser. They range from cancer sucks, to I’m thinking about you, to get well. I am angry that I sent only two over the course of the 2 and a half months.

I am angry that my last card/letter didn’t get to her in time. I spent so long writing it and filling her in on everything that I didn’t send it until last week. It wasn’t even that important. I told her all about the new Lego Big Bang set I got, about my stitches, and how on some days when Watson is being a terror I think she is right about the only good cat is a dead one. The post office person sent it priority… said it would get there on Saturday. I doubt she ever saw it, considering she died Saturday morning.

I am angry that I didn’t go home when Katie/Adam/Dom were in NY. I could have seen her then. She told me that I should come home in the fall and she could see me then. I am angry at my childlike naivety that I just believed she would be there in the fall.

I am angry that she died before I could see her, and too far away from when I am going home to go to the service.

I am angry at sympathy cards. They get to join the club of stupid cards. Stupid generic cards with oceans on the front. I am tired of crying in the card aisle.

I am angry at the NY Times crossword puzzle today. I can’t get very many of them. I just got mad instead.

I am angry that she didn’t get better. She was supposed to you know, and come down and hang out by the pool. That was the plan. Get better and hang out at the pool. I was going to be a stop on the Laurie Ennis Tour. (long story)

I am angry that I assumed she would be fine. A hard fight, but everything would work out. We could hang out in the fall, and laugh/tell stories/catch up. I thought there would be more time. Everything was so fast.

I am angry that she never wanted to be in photos… always insisted that she take them instead of be in them. I have pictures of the crew, but not her.

I am angry that it took me 5 minutes to think when the last time I saw her was. Turns out it was pretty appropriate… Tasty Acres. We had lunch last fall when I was home, chicken fingers and all. They were getting ready to close for the season, so they were out of almost everything. We had to get coleslaw, and we were both bummed about it.

I am angry that I didn’t call her back in June/July. I keep replaying our last phone call over the last few days. We just both cried for an hour. She said that she would call to tell me about her scans. She never did. I didn’t know if I should call… maybe she didn’t want to talk about it. So I would just text random stuff, stupid stuff. I remember after we were sitting on the phone in silence, both just hanging out crying, we decided we should hang up… she apologized for being sick and “unloading all of this on you”. Typical Laurie. She is the one sick, and she was telling me sorry. She said what she always said when we hung up “Anna, keep in touch”. I said ok and that I would see her soon, in the fall.

Lauren is right…. Laurie sure did hate goodbyes. When I left for Texas it was pretty awkward because I hate them too. She made me go outside, (which was good because the office was a bucket of awkard by that point, and really tense) and we stood on the sidewalk, next to a golf cart and both cried. (we were both embarrassed that we were too… neither of us were fans of crying in front of the other person) We didn’t say much, just handed each other cards and insisted on the other person to open it out of each other’s company. Then she said that she had to get something out of her car (which we both knew she didn’t) and we parted ways.

Social media has helped the last few days. Everyone sharing their Laurie stories. And I think everyone has had a diet coke in her memory. I have to remember next time I see her, to tell her how crazy she is. Man that stuff is gross!

I know that she touched a lot of people and that I should be focusing on how awesome of a lady she was… but I’ll have to do that tomorrow. Today, I am just angry.